What is this life I’m living? I want happiness, yet I cry. I want freedom, yet I’m in bondage. I want Love, yet I give Love away. So many wants, what about needs...I need a home, I have one. I need food, I eat daily. I need air, I breathe freely. Do the wants get more attention than the needs? Yes they do. Why? I’m sitting here in my grandmother's yard, thinking about me. I have always had a need to be accepted, loved, wanted. I think I am too dependent on those emotions. I have found many ways to ruin relationships, mainly by trying too hard to give the love I want to others. I forget that all people have their own Love language and I need to respect that. My need to be with my mate 24/7 may not be what my mate needs. Which in turn may make them feel smothered and push them away. Crazy thing is, the men I have been with knew this was one of my character traits and when we first get together, they’re all on board for it. Then once they realize I stick to that shit like stank on a turd, they begin to back away from me. No matter how long we have been together this seems to be the sad ending each time. I’m too much for men to handle. Too needy I guess. Even though that's how I start out the relationship.
It seems strange to me that people get into relationships knowing what the other person is about, then act shocked when they continue to be that. I also have a need to take care of my mate. Which in theory sounds good, but I have come to learn it’s another wrong way to be. I go deep, I wash clothes, cook meals, make lunches, plan outings, pay the bills, buy clothes, plan parties, etc. Literally do everything I would assume will make my mate happy, yet that even backfires on me.
So I have come to learn that, I either need a mate that will forever appreciate these gestures or be alone and spoil myself. I want a mate that would treat me the way I treat them, but I have yet to allow that to happen by the choices I make when choosing a mate. I pick men that are damaged, broken and need work. I have yet to have a mate that could mentally,financially and emotionally be there for me completely. Is that on purpose? I want to think not but if I keep making the same choices, I’m either psyco or stupid.
Facing that reality sucks. I want so bad to be in a “traditional marriage” and what I mean by that is, I want a husband that can financially provide for us, who loves the Lord, is fun, appreciates me taking care of him, loves my kids, wants to be together all the time, puts me and our family first, protects me and our marriage, proclaims his love for us to the world, willing to forsake all others to make sure our relationship is good. I don’t think those are impossible qualities to ask for, but I also know I can’t change a man into that, he has to be that way already or wants those things on his own.
The world nowadays doesn’t seem to value marriage, love or commitment. I have been searching for those things my entire life. They seem impossible to find,get or have.
My husband now is a great man. He doesn’t give me all those things though. He can, but won’t because they’re not who he is, or wants to be. I pray for him daily, and our marriage. I Love him for who he is, but catch myself trying to change him at times. I don’t purposely do it, it’s just my personality. I feel like I was made to be a wife and mother,but have always pushed God's hand in the way I want it to go instead of allowing him to guide me. That’s a bad thing because God will give you what you ask for even if it’s not what you need.
I feel at this point I have learned to be grateful for his Blessings, but I would rejoice more if I had waited on him. Like I said, I Love my husband dearly, but I also know a lot of the problems we have are because I forced God's hand by choosing him knowing who he was, and seeing the red flags early in our relationship but still staying and trying everything to make it work. I did that because I liked the feelings he gave me when we were first together. He said things that I wanted to hear so badly, treated me the way I wanted to be treated for so long, made love to me like I had dreamt of. So I was feeling great about him.
The warning signs came, and I decided to ignore them and keep making things work. That’s crazy, I put myself and him through so much because I felt I loved him and we were meant to be together forever, I ignored what was right in front of my face, God was trying to help me, but the flesh is weak and I let my free will take over.
I don’t regret our marriage, I do regret the things we go through because I didn’t allow God to do what he wanted. We may not have even been married or maybe got married later, or just have been really good friends. God may have been trying to move him out my life, so he could send me the husband my heart desired truly, instead of me settling for what I thought I wanted. By “fighting” for our relationship, we probably made our lives much harder. There may have been a perfect woman for him that God had waited for him and I stepped in the middle of that.
Love is a crazy emotion, I feel like it’s a mental illness. Love makes you lose your sensibility, reasoning and good judgment. That is scary. Trying to have someone make you feel good by being with you is a hard thing to do.
